Just a note

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Barricade

there lies a space
suspended in time
dense, mysterious
perfectly out of line

the line that crosses
you and me
a barrier between me
and who I wish to be

silence is screaming
when nobody hears
one open heart
defeats a thousand good ears

running, always running
from perceptions that become me
can't slow down
exposed to this reality

soft and tender voices
only in the mind
almost escape...
but now I'm out of time

For You Who Will Never Read It

That place. The place where I used to fear being, where I used to mourn and ponder until my thoughts and actions bore forth pure exhaustion and isolation, it was never morning but always dusk in shades of silent gray. This is where you left me, a half-hearted hope for your return. Here, where my patience was planted to grow structures of confidence, personal opinions, and maturity. Here, in your absence.

When you appeared again, I didn't need assistance anymore but a partnership - that which you provided more vibrantly and happily than the visions of finest imagination. The day was dawning again with love on the horizon, painting my sky a brilliant array of promises and words, framing scenes of the future. Up the slope you lead me, grabbing my hand once again. We both climbed to watch the sunrise that greeted us as we reached the top.

But here, you slowly yet progressively moved closer to the edge. Little did I know you were preparing for a fall. Little did I know, it was only for yourself. I had never imagined color could be so toxic, eating at heart strings in the darkest of the night, when loss is at its ugliest.

So at the very edge, I pushed you... only because it's what you desired in the ended. I couldn't watch you jump this time, knowing it was your decision. So it became mine, intertwined in the downward spiral of our breakdown. But still, off the edge you carelessly fly. I hope you can realize that flying isn't forever; eventually you'll fall and crash again.

And me, left in this place where love has died at the hands of lust and lies and youthfully ignorance. This place that I'll walk away from - to heal and to journey into the light of a new morning, one that you'll never get to see. And in the new light I'll regain strength from the darkness. And to our place, I will never return.

I'm back!

Wow, haven't posted in a while. I actually forgot about this sight for a while. I've really been letting other issues - mainly classes - preoccupy my mind all the time lately... and have really, really missed writing. Sometimes (more like all the time) it's hard to find a moment to actually sit down and write or type even the beginnings of something. And having an ADD mind like mine makes it even harder, especially since I get frustrated when I get distracted and can't finish something I've started... which is always. lol. Oh well, that's just how it is most of the time. I started 3 new poems this week that I'll hopefully get done within the next couple weeks. :) There's one that I'm really excited about. I'm hoping it will turn out to be a little deeper than some of the other ones. And I just finished yesterday one that I had started a while back, so here it is:

P.S. I just found out I can import these posts to my facebook notes. That's really cool, because now I won't have to post things in both places!


I'm tired of fighting
tired of trying to forget
trying to prove to myself
that you and I would never fit

I'm lonely tonight
but it's not the first time
but I don't just want anyone
it's always you on my mind

I once had been told
not to give up on love like you and me
but I'm sick of waiting for answers
done with hoping you will see

I want to know what you're thinking
if you feel the same way
if you still hold me dear
...still, to this day

because I know how for me
I get founder each time
and I wonder if you ever think about
the memories I have in mind

I could only wish that someday
a person will care this much too
love me so much that without me... they suffer
like I have been for you.

Mirror

At times I walk the lonely road
of choice or not, I cannot know
trying to change my course for good
what's stopping me I cannot see

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

Give me a reason, show me a key
even your image has somehow escaped me
It's shouldn't be so hard to fight for myself
and it doesn't seem right to cry out for some help

This part-time depiction is slightly a lie
a reflection of fear and a half-lost high
It's time for a change, the picture unclear
But the answer is really the worst thing to fear

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

but now, again, I begin to face
the barrier preventing a change of pace
as the figure comes clear and I see
I find the image I'm looking at... is me.

Concerts, food, and my future.

(I actually wrote this on Tuesday, August 12th... so ignore the date above, lol)

So X-Fest this weekend. Freakin' amazing. I really needed a few hours to let off some steam... and didn't even realize it until I was there. There wasn't a care in the world about what anyone else there was thinking of me, just the knowledge that every one of us was there for one reason: love of the music. It was great.

And now I'm on the beginning of a completely new path. I leave for college in 3 days. 3 days! There's no turning back and no extra time. And I'm freaking out a little bit, but another part of me is really really excited. I think this is where I'm meant to go, at least for now. And I think nutrition is what I'm meant to do... at least for now. Haha.

Now beware; I'm about to start a mini-rant. I know a lot of people now struggle with weight and eating problems... and I feel like I want to do something about that. May not show, but I've had a lot of battles with myself as far as taking the best care of myself goes. Since I want to specialize in nutrition, I need to be an expert on the subject... which means being able to help myself to my upmost ability as well as others. This is not as easy as it always sounds to myself, but I feel like I'm learning to get there. And I feel like college will be my chance to- for once- REALLY give myself a healthy challenge, and accomplishment. I think I'm meant to be ready for that now.

Oh, and I'm about to get a new phone plan... which means new number. People who couldn't text me before will now be able to! So if I didn't have your number before, you better give it to me! ;) I will need to hear from my friends when I'm gone.

Hello future!

Yesterday I mixed up my look a little, once again, but going from a caramel blonde to a DARK brown. I died my hair the exact same color and at the exact time that I did last summer... but although it's the same look, this is an entirely new beginning.

Tomorrow morning I will be headed to Fort Worth for TCU orientation. Realization will probably soon be hitting me... maybe. Maybe it's already here; I don't know for sure. But it's almost here. I'm almost in college. I'm done with high school. The next time I walk into a classroom, it will be filled with entirely new people and entirely new teacher. Compare that with being used to knowing each and every face I go to school with and living in a town that I've occupied my whole life. A SMALL town. Fort Worth is huge.

Wow.

And although something like this would have terrified me a few years ago... I couldn't be more excited right now. Am I prepared? I don't know. But I think I'm ready, and that's as ready as I'll ever be.

And I have a job now, and although that wouldn't seem like a big deal for some people at my age, I myself have never felt so responsible and productive before. It's tiring... but therefore simply invigorating. I'm so excited about how things are going as times turns ever on in my life.