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So... I can't help it. It hurts. A lot. I miss this one special person more than I can ever explain. I've tried summing it up in my head and writing it all down... but it would take a thousand pages to thoroughly express every reason why I miss this person.

And it's no ones fault. I'm not blaming them, or me, or anything. So I just sit here and miss what I used to have. And fear that I'll never have anyone else who measures up to what I used to have... and the fact that I don't even want anyone else. I try to find the flaws to convince me that it was worth ending... but they aren't there. Even their flaws made me love them more.

Why must it be so hard...?

Everything I do or hear or see or experience or joke about... somehow reminds me of something about us. And it makes me smile sometimes... but lately I want nothing more than to burst into tears. Because I didn't want to lose them... I never wanted to lose them the way I had them. And I fear that I'll lose them for good some day.

I hate you

… but no.

I don’t.

I miss you.

And not just a simple miss you

Like the missing of a friend

Or a misplaced possession

It is a constant, non-stop aching

That flourishes within my heart

And terrorizes my soul

I dream of you like a parched person dreams of water

Or a starving man longs for nourishment

I feel physical sickness when I think of you

And see none of me.

I can’t think,

Or walk

Or talk

Or listen

Or be…

Without seeing your face

Remembering your touch,

Reliving life with you

I need to hate you…

… no.

I need YOU.

I never thought it would happen,

But you’re someone I need

BADLY.

You were my gold,

my encouragement,

My passion,

My pride.

And a partner

I could have loved

…forever.

And the worst part is…

At a time when I shouldn’t be loving you anymore

….

I don’t know how to stop.

I want to stop.

…No.

I don’t want to stop-

Not even a little bit.

You’re too much to forget,

Or hate.

I could say I hate you,

But that lie would be huge.

I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how I’ll ever

… Stop loving you.

Bleh...

I have officially realized just how pathetic I've looked. Online dating applications? ...what?!? I deleted them all from my facebook the other day because I was border-lining on looking desperate... and that is just not good. My internet profile is not me. It's my personality, in a way... but it's not ME. I'm done with hoping to start a relationship from the internet, especially when I'm not even ready for a new one.

Yay...

I'm gonna start off this one by saying....

I'M GOING TO TCU!!!!

Yay. I get home at noon today tired and cranky after just taking my last test that I stayed up late and got up early to study for... and my mom places a huge purple and white envelope in my hands bearing the words "Congratulations!" on the front.... instant happiness. It might seem weird to say I'm proud to be called a horned frog, but even that has it's own unique appeal to me. I finally know where my next direction will be, and I'm very excited about that.

I found my school.. I think!

I know for sure that TCU is where I want to go to college.... and waiting for my admissions decision is killing me!! I think my chances of getting in are good, but you never know. And when I took the tour this weekend, they talked quite a bit about how they are looking for students who want to challenge themselves. I just hope... as I wait with baited breath, lol. I'm just over-joyed that I finally know where I want to go! The only thing that makes me sad is knowing some stuff I'll be leaving behind...

Christmas is near!

Have you ever felt like you had a lot of things to get accomplished but just couldn't get started on anything? That's my feeling today. I need to finish my college applications essays mostly. But the weird thing about me is... I want them to be REALLY good; so it's like I'm intimidated by the fact that I want them to be so good, thus I'm scared to even get started. Very strange, yes...

Anyway, the weather is very cold, and... wet today. But I love it. A lot of people seem to long for summer at this time of year, but I actually enjoy it while it's here. It may be cold, but there's a sort of cozy and romantic appeal to the winter. It makes me want to be hopelessly in love all over again. If it wasn't cold, we wouldn't have the urge to cuddle up by the fire under a blanket or with someone we love, or drink hot cocoa, or sit by the window reading a book (or checking our myspace :P) with the rain or snow as a backdrop. Life is cold sometimes, but it just gives us a chance to find our own warmth in what we have.

Why I freakin' love it

Bored in study hall the other day, I was looking at random websites and decided to look at Breaking Benjamin's. I realized that I love them and their music even more than I thought, lol. Here's pieces from the article:


"Ben is his biggest critic," bassist MARK JAMES acknowledges. "He'll write stuff that is undeniable. And everyone else knows it's undeniable. But he'll think it's not good enough and he'll go back to the drawing board. For BURNLEY, who typically writes at least 10 songs to yield one... "I'll basically write a number of similar songs and cherry-pick the best pieces from all of them and make one."

"I want the listener to analyze my songs," he says. "I don't want to do it myself. If someone thinks the song is about something and I come along and say, 'No. The song is about this.' I could ruin it for them."

I just love that- I'm not even close to being that brilliant, but I could see pieces of me in this, ya know? I was in the car for at least 2 hours yesterday. I listened to their entire collection and realized there wasn't a single song I didn't like. I can't fully explain how awesome they are to me.

And I love how you can listen to a song and find your own personal meaning in it, even if it's just from a couple of words, or even if it's just the music. Even if you just sit there, let it play, and think about everything and nothing at the same time, or if it means blaring it from your car speakers and singing out the lyrics at the top of your lungs (and nooo, I haven't done that... :P). If your world feels like it could be crashing down around you, or even if you just need a reason to feel, there's always the music. Picking up pen and paper or a guitar in a moment of inspiration, or even in a moment of none at all, is it's own kind of therapy; it's treatment for the soul. Oh, and they're going on tour with THREE DAYS GRACE and SEETHER next year! YAAAAY! :D

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