Just a note

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Barricade

there lies a space
suspended in time
dense, mysterious
perfectly out of line

the line that crosses
you and me
a barrier between me
and who I wish to be

silence is screaming
when nobody hears
one open heart
defeats a thousand good ears

running, always running
from perceptions that become me
can't slow down
exposed to this reality

soft and tender voices
only in the mind
almost escape...
but now I'm out of time

For You Who Will Never Read It

That place. The place where I used to fear being, where I used to mourn and ponder until my thoughts and actions bore forth pure exhaustion and isolation, it was never morning but always dusk in shades of silent gray. This is where you left me, a half-hearted hope for your return. Here, where my patience was planted to grow structures of confidence, personal opinions, and maturity. Here, in your absence.

When you appeared again, I didn't need assistance anymore but a partnership - that which you provided more vibrantly and happily than the visions of finest imagination. The day was dawning again with love on the horizon, painting my sky a brilliant array of promises and words, framing scenes of the future. Up the slope you lead me, grabbing my hand once again. We both climbed to watch the sunrise that greeted us as we reached the top.

But here, you slowly yet progressively moved closer to the edge. Little did I know you were preparing for a fall. Little did I know, it was only for yourself. I had never imagined color could be so toxic, eating at heart strings in the darkest of the night, when loss is at its ugliest.

So at the very edge, I pushed you... only because it's what you desired in the ended. I couldn't watch you jump this time, knowing it was your decision. So it became mine, intertwined in the downward spiral of our breakdown. But still, off the edge you carelessly fly. I hope you can realize that flying isn't forever; eventually you'll fall and crash again.

And me, left in this place where love has died at the hands of lust and lies and youthfully ignorance. This place that I'll walk away from - to heal and to journey into the light of a new morning, one that you'll never get to see. And in the new light I'll regain strength from the darkness. And to our place, I will never return.

I'm back!

Wow, haven't posted in a while. I actually forgot about this sight for a while. I've really been letting other issues - mainly classes - preoccupy my mind all the time lately... and have really, really missed writing. Sometimes (more like all the time) it's hard to find a moment to actually sit down and write or type even the beginnings of something. And having an ADD mind like mine makes it even harder, especially since I get frustrated when I get distracted and can't finish something I've started... which is always. lol. Oh well, that's just how it is most of the time. I started 3 new poems this week that I'll hopefully get done within the next couple weeks. :) There's one that I'm really excited about. I'm hoping it will turn out to be a little deeper than some of the other ones. And I just finished yesterday one that I had started a while back, so here it is:

P.S. I just found out I can import these posts to my facebook notes. That's really cool, because now I won't have to post things in both places!


I'm tired of fighting
tired of trying to forget
trying to prove to myself
that you and I would never fit

I'm lonely tonight
but it's not the first time
but I don't just want anyone
it's always you on my mind

I once had been told
not to give up on love like you and me
but I'm sick of waiting for answers
done with hoping you will see

I want to know what you're thinking
if you feel the same way
if you still hold me dear
...still, to this day

because I know how for me
I get founder each time
and I wonder if you ever think about
the memories I have in mind

I could only wish that someday
a person will care this much too
love me so much that without me... they suffer
like I have been for you.

Mirror

At times I walk the lonely road
of choice or not, I cannot know
trying to change my course for good
what's stopping me I cannot see

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

Give me a reason, show me a key
even your image has somehow escaped me
It's shouldn't be so hard to fight for myself
and it doesn't seem right to cry out for some help

This part-time depiction is slightly a lie
a reflection of fear and a half-lost high
It's time for a change, the picture unclear
But the answer is really the worst thing to fear

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

but now, again, I begin to face
the barrier preventing a change of pace
as the figure comes clear and I see
I find the image I'm looking at... is me.

Concerts, food, and my future.

(I actually wrote this on Tuesday, August 12th... so ignore the date above, lol)

So X-Fest this weekend. Freakin' amazing. I really needed a few hours to let off some steam... and didn't even realize it until I was there. There wasn't a care in the world about what anyone else there was thinking of me, just the knowledge that every one of us was there for one reason: love of the music. It was great.

And now I'm on the beginning of a completely new path. I leave for college in 3 days. 3 days! There's no turning back and no extra time. And I'm freaking out a little bit, but another part of me is really really excited. I think this is where I'm meant to go, at least for now. And I think nutrition is what I'm meant to do... at least for now. Haha.

Now beware; I'm about to start a mini-rant. I know a lot of people now struggle with weight and eating problems... and I feel like I want to do something about that. May not show, but I've had a lot of battles with myself as far as taking the best care of myself goes. Since I want to specialize in nutrition, I need to be an expert on the subject... which means being able to help myself to my upmost ability as well as others. This is not as easy as it always sounds to myself, but I feel like I'm learning to get there. And I feel like college will be my chance to- for once- REALLY give myself a healthy challenge, and accomplishment. I think I'm meant to be ready for that now.

Oh, and I'm about to get a new phone plan... which means new number. People who couldn't text me before will now be able to! So if I didn't have your number before, you better give it to me! ;) I will need to hear from my friends when I'm gone.

Hello future!

Yesterday I mixed up my look a little, once again, but going from a caramel blonde to a DARK brown. I died my hair the exact same color and at the exact time that I did last summer... but although it's the same look, this is an entirely new beginning.

Tomorrow morning I will be headed to Fort Worth for TCU orientation. Realization will probably soon be hitting me... maybe. Maybe it's already here; I don't know for sure. But it's almost here. I'm almost in college. I'm done with high school. The next time I walk into a classroom, it will be filled with entirely new people and entirely new teacher. Compare that with being used to knowing each and every face I go to school with and living in a town that I've occupied my whole life. A SMALL town. Fort Worth is huge.

Wow.

And although something like this would have terrified me a few years ago... I couldn't be more excited right now. Am I prepared? I don't know. But I think I'm ready, and that's as ready as I'll ever be.

And I have a job now, and although that wouldn't seem like a big deal for some people at my age, I myself have never felt so responsible and productive before. It's tiring... but therefore simply invigorating. I'm so excited about how things are going as times turns ever on in my life.

L.O.V.E.

I spent this weekend with a group of best friends, shopping, seeing a movie, eating out, and having a sleepover.

There are few things in life better than this. God has blessed me tremendously in my lifetime, but this year has definitely felt like the peak of his generosity.

Basically, I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

And I'm not talking about people who I can tolerate for a couple hours and have a few good laughs with. These girls are like sisters to me, who I can act like a complete idiot around and them not care because they are acting just as crazy. I can be a health freak and order a vegetarian sandwich at the mall while everyone else orders Chik-Fil-A or ramble on about the lyrics of my favorite song... and I love the different qualities and interests and personalities of each and every one of them. We feed off of each other, encourage each other, and love each other. We are all beautiful in our own ways, and I freakin' love it. They have literally taught me how to be myself this year and that being different is not something to hide behind. I have grown as a person and as a young woman because of my best friends. They have seen the real me and they accept it; I don't even think I can express how much that means to me.

Life is so beautiful.

Loneliness

This will probably be short because I'm ready to curl up in bed with my new Self magazine and Breaking Benjamin serenading me in the background (call me a dork if you want). But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I started reading this book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (from the talk show) titled "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives."

Very interesting. And very true. I found a quote within the first few pages that I will not forget:

"It ever has been since time began,
And ever will be, till time lose breath,
That love is a mood--no more--to man,
And love to a woman is life or death."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

More on this later..

Puzzle Pieces

You always seemed too good for reality
and now that's been confirmed
Like missing puzzle pieces
we tried to fill the blanks all wrong.

A piece for young stupidity
another for lack of time
and a dash of a hundred hidden colors
that were somehow left behind

Now we've formed a monster
to rear its ugly head
and I am tired of fighting, for now
my perfect picture's dead.

But I know that I am much to blame
I saw only what I sought
parts of you were good, I loved
but now, others are really... not.

And some were never even there,
just an image from my mind
to seal the blank you couldn't fill
in a puzzle that made me blind.

So give me back my pieces
especially my heart
for a time when someone taking them
can finish what they start

You always seemed too good for reality
the truth of this goes far
Missing puzzle pieces...
dear, that's all you really are.

Another midnight

I think thunderstorms are one of the best things God could create. There's something about nights like these that make me want to smile and cry at the exact same time; it's a kind of feeling I haven't yet found the correct words to explain. The momentary flash of light followed by a low- sometimes very loud- rumble does something to me. I feel partly uneasy knowing the dangers of the storm outside, while at the same time the protection of these big, sturdy walls reassures me... but also at the same time I want nothing more than to run madly into the downpour and face the rain and the lightening and the thunder. It's the kind of sensation that I find to often correlate with very recent feelings.

Summer is almost here. Again. Already.

...what the heck!?

Didn't I just get done with last summer? Didn't I just start my senior year of high school? I blink and I'm already at the end... almost. Hurry up or wait? How to take all of this in? It's crazy, exciting, happy.... scary... sad. There are some things I miss very much from my past, some feelings that will never be back in the same way. But I'm also so happy about the promise of the future and everything it will contain.

Here we go again :)

A month later, and I'm finally writing again. Things have been so crazy lately.
I'm in the process of going to State level in U.I.L. again. It's my last chance, and I don't want to lose it.
And then One-Act has gone a lot farther than I thought it would, and I'm glad. That's finally over now so maybe things will settle down a bit. I really want to get a job and feel productive.
I have that familiar feeling back again; the urge to write something profound that just hasn't made its way into my senses just yet. But I am feeling very unsettled right now... and can't explain exactly why.

I found this graphic I created back in my sophomore year. It was a visual for this writing I had done for my AP English class. I'm still so proud of that; and I feel like I've let some of my creativity slide away from me in the past couple years. It makes me sad. But the great thing about this is that I can bring it back. It's just so much easier when you actually have a class scheduled in which you are able to work on some of this creativity. Sometimes, these days (I really hate that phrase), I feel like I don't even allow myself time to be inspired, and when I do I don't act on those inspirations. I become lazy and choose not to write down my ideas or thoughts, thinking I'll get to it at a later time. Right. I'm such a procrastinator. But I'm working on that too ;)

But besides these complaints, I am very happy with life right now. I love the awesome people in my life, I love my music, I love school (well... sort of, because I know I'll be out of it in less than 2 months! hehe), and I love myself. What can I say? Life is beautiful.

P.S. This has been on my mind too:

"Are you saying love
Or are you saying nothing
Still life is a crime
That I can't ignore
Your perfect ways will follow
The temperature that's rising
All this time you never let me think


It was the hardest part to know
It was the fastest we could run
It was the farthest we could go
We are a lie my angel

Cause for hate and
A cause for ending
It sounds so easy
But everytime we were supposed to let go
We'd make love
Now pull me closer let the heat take over

Call me your way
Call me away
Don't end it open
I tried to love you like before
If this was our night
It was the best one of our lives

Are you saying now
Or are you saying never
The still frame in my mind cannot be ignored
....

And we were drawing lines not to cross
So we would never feel a thing
And now it's breaking you apart
Just like it broke your heart..."
-Evans Blue, "Q"

3-day weekend... YES!

Today has been wonderful. The afternoon felt like summer and I was so relaxed all day. I got to go out and run and it was windy and BEAUTIFUL! Then it got windy and gray this evening, but I love even that. I think this 3-day weekend was really good for me.

And I unexpectedly saw a good friend this weekend who I have really missed. It's hard to decide how to feel about someone when you aren't allowed to feel for them in the same way... but I believe it can work. I've always thought it seems a bit needy when I hear other people say this, but I have to admit I can't help but just long for someone special to give my love to.

But enough of that. All in all, today has been another wonderful example of what I realize to be true more every day: life is, indeed, beautiful.

Goodbye Garbage

I shocked myself and my friends with a single action last night: I deleted my Myspace.

*Gasp*

And it was worth it. I had just finished talking with my mom, actually. No, we weren't just talking about the internet, but it was brought up. And suddenly I realized how silly the whole Myspace thing really is... or seems to be to me, at least.

And then I thought about the fact that the MAJORITY of conversations in almost every one of my relationships has always been through myspace or instant messenger or text messaging or some other online device. And then I realized that I have always hated that. And then I realized that that is just a little bit pathetic- I think so, at least.

I see the internet as an "easy out" now. It's so much easier to say ANYTHING in front of the computer screen, free from commitment or uncomfortable moments... but that is not the way to get to know a person. Not completely.

I will probably add to this later.

Growing

I'm not gonna write long tonight, but it's been a while so I thought I would a little. I've been using my physical journal more lately.

I'm learning to let go of some things easier now. I'm learning that in my relationships, maybe not everything that causes me stress or pain is always my own doing. Maybe my own faults are not the only faults, and maybe sometimes nothing can be done to fix certain problems. Maybe sometimes... when I am feeling upset about something, there is a valid reason for it and it's not always just me being silly. Maybe sometimes I need to actually listen to myself. Not always, but sometimes. I won't get any more detailed than that for privacy's sake, because this is the internet after all.

But overall, I am very happy right now. I've never felt more alive and like MYSELF than I have this year. It's great; it's wonderful. I have new additions of people in my life, and have grown to love some who were already there even more than before. Even when I've had a sucky day, I have to admit: I love my life.

Welcome to February

Ah, another Saturday... one which I didn't sleep in the way I wanted to simple because my body's time-clock is set to around 7 AM and doesn't seem to want to give me an leeway. I knew I shouldn't have stayed up so late... but oh well, I'm feeling alright and it seems to be a beautiful day outside, even if it's chilly. Got frustrated with myself this morning when I lacked the drive to workout as long as I wanted to. That comes and goes and I don't really know what causes the change.

A friend asked me last night why I care so much about my health, and it made me realize that I've never really asked myself that same question. It's just become a part of me now, the same way I brush my teeth twice a day and put on clean underwear (haha). Eating well just makes me feel better, and working out makes everything stressful that happens 10 times less of a big deal than it did before I worked up a sweat.

The truth is: I don't think I could ever STOP being a health freak now. It's just always on my subconscious mind, whether I like it or not.

Oh, and did I mention I love Three Days Grace? Well I do. I'm listening to them right now... and ya know, it's so crazy how fast time goes by. EXACTLY this time last year I about to see them in concert at the Birthday Bash, listening to their music blare from the speakers of Erin's car the night before as we all drove back from Plainview so excited for tomorrow. From them on I was in love with them. It might sound crazy, but their music really helped me through a lot of tears and troubles and heartache.

I can't believe that was a whole year ago.
I can't even believe this last summer started 8 months ago... and another one's coming up so soon.

I can't believe how fast time goes by.

Thoughts

I think sometimes I forget to realize how great my life really is.
There's so much to be greatful for, so much I've learned, and so much I have left to learn. I'm learning that it's okay to laugh at myself often, and mistakes are just a part of the process of life. The choices I make now, the people I surround myself with, what I spend all of my time on... should all be things that make me and others happy, and the things that mean the most. Sometimes I forget this and get caught up in the swift and false pretenses the world can bring. Sometimes I spend too much time staring at a computer screen or stuck in my own head instead of going out there and showing who I REALLY am. That's gonna change :)


Slow down. Enjoy the awkward moments- the ones that probably end up being the greatest in the end. Believe in myself. Love slowly. Breath.

No Title

So... I can't help it. It hurts. A lot. I miss this one special person more than I can ever explain. I've tried summing it up in my head and writing it all down... but it would take a thousand pages to thoroughly express every reason why I miss this person.

And it's no ones fault. I'm not blaming them, or me, or anything. So I just sit here and miss what I used to have. And fear that I'll never have anyone else who measures up to what I used to have... and the fact that I don't even want anyone else. I try to find the flaws to convince me that it was worth ending... but they aren't there. Even their flaws made me love them more.

Why must it be so hard...?

Everything I do or hear or see or experience or joke about... somehow reminds me of something about us. And it makes me smile sometimes... but lately I want nothing more than to burst into tears. Because I didn't want to lose them... I never wanted to lose them the way I had them. And I fear that I'll lose them for good some day.

I hate you

… but no.

I don’t.

I miss you.

And not just a simple miss you

Like the missing of a friend

Or a misplaced possession

It is a constant, non-stop aching

That flourishes within my heart

And terrorizes my soul

I dream of you like a parched person dreams of water

Or a starving man longs for nourishment

I feel physical sickness when I think of you

And see none of me.

I can’t think,

Or walk

Or talk

Or listen

Or be…

Without seeing your face

Remembering your touch,

Reliving life with you

I need to hate you…

… no.

I need YOU.

I never thought it would happen,

But you’re someone I need

BADLY.

You were my gold,

my encouragement,

My passion,

My pride.

And a partner

I could have loved

…forever.

And the worst part is…

At a time when I shouldn’t be loving you anymore

….

I don’t know how to stop.

I want to stop.

…No.

I don’t want to stop-

Not even a little bit.

You’re too much to forget,

Or hate.

I could say I hate you,

But that lie would be huge.

I just don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how I’ll ever

… Stop loving you.

Bleh...

I have officially realized just how pathetic I've looked. Online dating applications? ...what?!? I deleted them all from my facebook the other day because I was border-lining on looking desperate... and that is just not good. My internet profile is not me. It's my personality, in a way... but it's not ME. I'm done with hoping to start a relationship from the internet, especially when I'm not even ready for a new one.

Yay...

I'm gonna start off this one by saying....

I'M GOING TO TCU!!!!

Yay. I get home at noon today tired and cranky after just taking my last test that I stayed up late and got up early to study for... and my mom places a huge purple and white envelope in my hands bearing the words "Congratulations!" on the front.... instant happiness. It might seem weird to say I'm proud to be called a horned frog, but even that has it's own unique appeal to me. I finally know where my next direction will be, and I'm very excited about that.