Another midnight

I think thunderstorms are one of the best things God could create. There's something about nights like these that make me want to smile and cry at the exact same time; it's a kind of feeling I haven't yet found the correct words to explain. The momentary flash of light followed by a low- sometimes very loud- rumble does something to me. I feel partly uneasy knowing the dangers of the storm outside, while at the same time the protection of these big, sturdy walls reassures me... but also at the same time I want nothing more than to run madly into the downpour and face the rain and the lightening and the thunder. It's the kind of sensation that I find to often correlate with very recent feelings.

Summer is almost here. Again. Already.

...what the heck!?

Didn't I just get done with last summer? Didn't I just start my senior year of high school? I blink and I'm already at the end... almost. Hurry up or wait? How to take all of this in? It's crazy, exciting, happy.... scary... sad. There are some things I miss very much from my past, some feelings that will never be back in the same way. But I'm also so happy about the promise of the future and everything it will contain.

Here we go again :)

A month later, and I'm finally writing again. Things have been so crazy lately.
I'm in the process of going to State level in U.I.L. again. It's my last chance, and I don't want to lose it.
And then One-Act has gone a lot farther than I thought it would, and I'm glad. That's finally over now so maybe things will settle down a bit. I really want to get a job and feel productive.
I have that familiar feeling back again; the urge to write something profound that just hasn't made its way into my senses just yet. But I am feeling very unsettled right now... and can't explain exactly why.

I found this graphic I created back in my sophomore year. It was a visual for this writing I had done for my AP English class. I'm still so proud of that; and I feel like I've let some of my creativity slide away from me in the past couple years. It makes me sad. But the great thing about this is that I can bring it back. It's just so much easier when you actually have a class scheduled in which you are able to work on some of this creativity. Sometimes, these days (I really hate that phrase), I feel like I don't even allow myself time to be inspired, and when I do I don't act on those inspirations. I become lazy and choose not to write down my ideas or thoughts, thinking I'll get to it at a later time. Right. I'm such a procrastinator. But I'm working on that too ;)

But besides these complaints, I am very happy with life right now. I love the awesome people in my life, I love my music, I love school (well... sort of, because I know I'll be out of it in less than 2 months! hehe), and I love myself. What can I say? Life is beautiful.

P.S. This has been on my mind too:

"Are you saying love
Or are you saying nothing
Still life is a crime
That I can't ignore
Your perfect ways will follow
The temperature that's rising
All this time you never let me think


It was the hardest part to know
It was the fastest we could run
It was the farthest we could go
We are a lie my angel

Cause for hate and
A cause for ending
It sounds so easy
But everytime we were supposed to let go
We'd make love
Now pull me closer let the heat take over

Call me your way
Call me away
Don't end it open
I tried to love you like before
If this was our night
It was the best one of our lives

Are you saying now
Or are you saying never
The still frame in my mind cannot be ignored
....

And we were drawing lines not to cross
So we would never feel a thing
And now it's breaking you apart
Just like it broke your heart..."
-Evans Blue, "Q"

3-day weekend... YES!

Today has been wonderful. The afternoon felt like summer and I was so relaxed all day. I got to go out and run and it was windy and BEAUTIFUL! Then it got windy and gray this evening, but I love even that. I think this 3-day weekend was really good for me.

And I unexpectedly saw a good friend this weekend who I have really missed. It's hard to decide how to feel about someone when you aren't allowed to feel for them in the same way... but I believe it can work. I've always thought it seems a bit needy when I hear other people say this, but I have to admit I can't help but just long for someone special to give my love to.

But enough of that. All in all, today has been another wonderful example of what I realize to be true more every day: life is, indeed, beautiful.

Goodbye Garbage

I shocked myself and my friends with a single action last night: I deleted my Myspace.

*Gasp*

And it was worth it. I had just finished talking with my mom, actually. No, we weren't just talking about the internet, but it was brought up. And suddenly I realized how silly the whole Myspace thing really is... or seems to be to me, at least.

And then I thought about the fact that the MAJORITY of conversations in almost every one of my relationships has always been through myspace or instant messenger or text messaging or some other online device. And then I realized that I have always hated that. And then I realized that that is just a little bit pathetic- I think so, at least.

I see the internet as an "easy out" now. It's so much easier to say ANYTHING in front of the computer screen, free from commitment or uncomfortable moments... but that is not the way to get to know a person. Not completely.

I will probably add to this later.

Growing

I'm not gonna write long tonight, but it's been a while so I thought I would a little. I've been using my physical journal more lately.

I'm learning to let go of some things easier now. I'm learning that in my relationships, maybe not everything that causes me stress or pain is always my own doing. Maybe my own faults are not the only faults, and maybe sometimes nothing can be done to fix certain problems. Maybe sometimes... when I am feeling upset about something, there is a valid reason for it and it's not always just me being silly. Maybe sometimes I need to actually listen to myself. Not always, but sometimes. I won't get any more detailed than that for privacy's sake, because this is the internet after all.

But overall, I am very happy right now. I've never felt more alive and like MYSELF than I have this year. It's great; it's wonderful. I have new additions of people in my life, and have grown to love some who were already there even more than before. Even when I've had a sucky day, I have to admit: I love my life.

Welcome to February

Ah, another Saturday... one which I didn't sleep in the way I wanted to simple because my body's time-clock is set to around 7 AM and doesn't seem to want to give me an leeway. I knew I shouldn't have stayed up so late... but oh well, I'm feeling alright and it seems to be a beautiful day outside, even if it's chilly. Got frustrated with myself this morning when I lacked the drive to workout as long as I wanted to. That comes and goes and I don't really know what causes the change.

A friend asked me last night why I care so much about my health, and it made me realize that I've never really asked myself that same question. It's just become a part of me now, the same way I brush my teeth twice a day and put on clean underwear (haha). Eating well just makes me feel better, and working out makes everything stressful that happens 10 times less of a big deal than it did before I worked up a sweat.

The truth is: I don't think I could ever STOP being a health freak now. It's just always on my subconscious mind, whether I like it or not.

Oh, and did I mention I love Three Days Grace? Well I do. I'm listening to them right now... and ya know, it's so crazy how fast time goes by. EXACTLY this time last year I about to see them in concert at the Birthday Bash, listening to their music blare from the speakers of Erin's car the night before as we all drove back from Plainview so excited for tomorrow. From them on I was in love with them. It might sound crazy, but their music really helped me through a lot of tears and troubles and heartache.

I can't believe that was a whole year ago.
I can't even believe this last summer started 8 months ago... and another one's coming up so soon.

I can't believe how fast time goes by.

Thoughts

I think sometimes I forget to realize how great my life really is.
There's so much to be greatful for, so much I've learned, and so much I have left to learn. I'm learning that it's okay to laugh at myself often, and mistakes are just a part of the process of life. The choices I make now, the people I surround myself with, what I spend all of my time on... should all be things that make me and others happy, and the things that mean the most. Sometimes I forget this and get caught up in the swift and false pretenses the world can bring. Sometimes I spend too much time staring at a computer screen or stuck in my own head instead of going out there and showing who I REALLY am. That's gonna change :)


Slow down. Enjoy the awkward moments- the ones that probably end up being the greatest in the end. Believe in myself. Love slowly. Breath.