New Light

I'm getting closer to having a solid plan for my future. Things are getting clearer, and I'm realizing things I never thought I would. I'm getting back up from last month's fall, and I'm smiling inside again. I know I will probably have more "moments of weakness"- many more- but I'm one step closer to being ready to face them all.

I want to go to school far enough away to challenge myself. I want to make it on my own for a while. I want to have fun; I want to work hard as well.

I'm almost ready.

And now that I've gotten that out of the way... I realized something over the holidays: I am too selfish. I spend too much of my time worrying about what I can do to help MYSELF, when the energy could be used for much better things. And I'm working on changing that.

Optimism... finally! :P

Ok, because Tim asked for it (haha)... here is a new post. But the problem is... where to start?

I can't exactly describe everything I've been feeling lately.... kinda like:

loved, happy, sad, excited, sucky, apprehensive, stressed, creative, grateful, cranky, bored, worried, defeated, jubilant, glad to be alive (lol)...

Just take these emotions, mix them up in any order, and pick at random times. Yep, that's about how it's been. But I'm tired of complaining about every time I feel sad. Live is good... sometimes. But the bigger picture is always beautiful, and sometimes I forget. So whatever I'm going through, it's always great to know that everything will eventually be okay. I have people who love me and who I will always be here for as well. Even if the next year brings us miles and miles apart, I can be strong.

"Singin' amen I... I'm alive."

:D

Update

So I have decided... I want to get back to playing on my bass again. And my acoustic. Being around other people who can play makes me excited and envious, and I want to be a part of it!

And the college application process has begun... AAAHHHH!! Not sure exactly what to think at this point... I read someone's profile on myspace (go figure :P) earlier that made me think. They said they try not to be sad... wait, let me look at it again...



Ah, ok, it was: "i feel blessed to be alive and so should you, you cant be sad forever, it really is a waste of your happieness [minus the 'e'].... love all and love often"

A great way to look at life if you ask me. That is all for now.

Sing like no one's listening

Tonight I went to one of our junior high games for the first time to watch my little sister as a Cheerleader. I was glad to finally get to see her cheering, and couldn't help but feel a hint of jealousy either. I still can't believe she's a cheerleader.

I left early because it was SO cold outside! And I went to my car to drive home... but I just didn't want to. So I drove around town. With Nickelback's "Far Away" blaring out of my speakers. Singing at the top of my lungs. And it was such surreal feeling. It was a strange kind of therapy that I needed. I drove through the parts of town that aren't in my everyday route (even though it's a small town!) and somehow it gave me a different perspective on things. In a time when I am so busy and always watching the time... I was, for once, completely oblivious of time or even where I was going. I just relaxed... and thought. I didn't feel exactly happy... but I wasn't completely sad either.

It was bittersweet- knowing that next year things will be so different. I won't be driving down these streets everyday, or seeing the people I just talked to at the game; knowing that I'll be on my own and free to do what I want without supervision; knowing that the person I most wanted to share these thoughts with is no longer available for that; and knowing that everything is still going to be okay. Because then a song came on that I listened to a lot during this same time last year when (coincidently) I was mending a broken heart then too. It was Straylight Run's "Existentialism on Prom Night", and some of the lyrics really hit me:

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us

Read these lyrics...

Some time I want someone who will feel this way about me:

There’s a place in your heart, nobody's been,
Take me there.
Things nobody knows,
Not even your friends,
Take me there.
Tell me 'bout your momma, your daddy, your hometown,
Show me around,
I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.

I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare,
Take me there.

Your first real kiss, your first true love,
You were scared.
Show me where,
You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.
I want to roll down main street, the back roads,
Like you did when you were a kid,

[Take Me There lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

What made you who you are,
Tell me what your story is.

I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare
Take me there.

Yeah,
I want to know, everything about you,
Yeah, everything about you baby.
I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare.
Take me, take me, take me there,
Oh.

I want to roll down main street.
I want to know your hopes and your dreams.
Take me, take me there, Yeah.

-Rascal Flatts, Take Me There

This is my dream.

It's that feeling you get
when you hear the first few notes of an amazing masterpiece of a song, and
the hair on your skin raises up because it gives you an unworldly feeling you can't explain.

It's the heart-skipped-a-beat kind of thing that happens when you hear
"I love you"
for the first time, or the sinking,
lost feeling of remembering when you stop hearing it.

It's the feeling you have when you watch a movie or music video that moves you in such
a way that tears pool up in your eyes.

I want to bring that to someone.
I want to reach people this way.

I want them to know what I feel, and know that I feel the same emotions as they.

I want them to be inspired and awed by my work, and at the same time
be able to relate to it.

I want to be told that I helped someone in their journey through life.

I want to be questioned.

I want my words to be read and analyzed in ways that possibly I haven't even thought of.

I want to be remembered by my thoughts and creations
for many years to come.

I want others to look inside my mind
and see brilliance.

I want to be a writer,
an artist, and
an inspiration.

Why?

Because... I want to be heard.

Our Song

Wrote this quite a while back, and just found it...

The black of night engulfs me;
I give in to its deep persuasion,
lost in empty thought.
I drive through the sea of stillness
and speakers rattle out the rhythm
that once harnessed my soul-
our song.

Feelings rebirth from deceased memories;
past ghosts are materialized.
I see the tears-
most of anger; some of joy,
and these are the moments we shared;
the memories we had- good AND bad.

Again all blur to one,
concealed in one awful, beautiful melody
that eventually will end again,
and leave me driving on...
because all of it's just a memory now,
but forever it will be
our song.