Some time I want someone who will feel this way about me:
There’s a place in your heart, nobody's been,
Take me there.
Things nobody knows,
Not even your friends,
Take me there.
Tell me 'bout your momma, your daddy, your hometown,
Show me around,
I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.
I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare,
Take me there.
Your first real kiss, your first true love,
You were scared.
Show me where,
You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.
I want to roll down main street, the back roads,
Like you did when you were a kid,
[Take Me There lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
What made you who you are,
Tell me what your story is.
I want to know, everything about you THEN.
And I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams, and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare
Take me there.
Yeah,
I want to know, everything about you,
Yeah, everything about you baby.
I want to go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live,
Where you keep the rest of your life hid,
I want to know the girl behind that pretty stare.
Take me, take me, take me there,
Oh.
I want to roll down main street.
I want to know your hopes and your dreams.
Take me, take me there, Yeah.
-Rascal Flatts, Take Me There
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
This is my dream.
It's that feeling you get
when you hear the first few notes of an amazing masterpiece of a song, and
the hair on your skin raises up because it gives you an unworldly feeling you can't explain.
It's the heart-skipped-a-beat kind of thing that happens when you hear
"I love you"
for the first time, or the sinking,
lost feeling of remembering when you stop hearing it.
It's the feeling you have when you watch a movie or music video that moves you in such
a way that tears pool up in your eyes.
I want to bring that to someone.
I want to reach people this way.
I want them to know what I feel, and know that I feel the same emotions as they.
I want them to be inspired and awed by my work, and at the same time
be able to relate to it.
I want to be told that I helped someone in their journey through life.
I want to be questioned.
I want my words to be read and analyzed in ways that possibly I haven't even thought of.
I want to be remembered by my thoughts and creations
for many years to come.
I want others to look inside my mind
and see brilliance.
I want to be a writer,
an artist, and
an inspiration.
Why?
Because... I want to be heard.
when you hear the first few notes of an amazing masterpiece of a song, and
the hair on your skin raises up because it gives you an unworldly feeling you can't explain.
It's the heart-skipped-a-beat kind of thing that happens when you hear
"I love you"
for the first time, or the sinking,
lost feeling of remembering when you stop hearing it.
It's the feeling you have when you watch a movie or music video that moves you in such
a way that tears pool up in your eyes.
I want to bring that to someone.
I want to reach people this way.
I want them to know what I feel, and know that I feel the same emotions as they.
I want them to be inspired and awed by my work, and at the same time
be able to relate to it.
I want to be told that I helped someone in their journey through life.
I want to be questioned.
I want my words to be read and analyzed in ways that possibly I haven't even thought of.
I want to be remembered by my thoughts and creations
for many years to come.
I want others to look inside my mind
and see brilliance.
I want to be a writer,
an artist, and
an inspiration.
Why?
Because... I want to be heard.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Our Song
Wrote this quite a while back, and just found it...
The black of night engulfs me;
I give in to its deep persuasion,
lost in empty thought.
I drive through the sea of stillness
and speakers rattle out the rhythm
that once harnessed my soul-
our song.
Feelings rebirth from deceased memories;
past ghosts are materialized.
I see the tears-
most of anger; some of joy,
and these are the moments we shared;
the memories we had- good AND bad.
Again all blur to one,
concealed in one awful, beautiful melody
that eventually will end again,
and leave me driving on...
because all of it's just a memory now,
but forever it will be
our song.
The black of night engulfs me;
I give in to its deep persuasion,
lost in empty thought.
I drive through the sea of stillness
and speakers rattle out the rhythm
that once harnessed my soul-
our song.
Feelings rebirth from deceased memories;
past ghosts are materialized.
I see the tears-
most of anger; some of joy,
and these are the moments we shared;
the memories we had- good AND bad.
Again all blur to one,
concealed in one awful, beautiful melody
that eventually will end again,
and leave me driving on...
because all of it's just a memory now,
but forever it will be
our song.
Saving myself for this
I don't remember exactly how it goes or who sang it, but there's this song my dad used to play a lot from one of his old CDs, and the words from it have been playing in my head for the past few days: "breaking up is hard to do." It's true. You become so attached to a person, and think about them so often, that it's hard when they are suddenly no longer in that part of your life that you're so used to them being. It's tough, and it hurts. You think you're fine, and then you hear a song, or a name, or talk about something that happened where they were involved... and it comes back to you. You go to bed after an awesome day knowing that you will be fine, and then you wake up the next morning and the cycle starts over again. You realize they still aren't in your life anymore.
But there's something about this whole experience that has really taught me a lot- about myself as much as about relationships. Why is it that so many of us seem in such a hurry to fall in love? I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. I think back on my past relationships and how they have started and ended. It happens so fast. Everything.
I was talking to my mom about this last night. It started with the simple question. I asked her what made her realize she wanted to marry my dad, and how she knew she loved him.
Okay, so maybe those aren't such "simple" questions, but her answer was much more than I expected. It wasn't anything like "I got this feeling when I first met him..." or "he wasn't like any other man I'd ever met in my entire life!" In fact, my parents first met in high school, but they didn't even think of committing themselves to each other until they were in their twenties and done with and out of college. They wrote to each other and kept in touch most of the time, but they dated other people and focused on their own lives. They didn't plan to get into anything serious until they were truly ready for it. They even lost touch for a while, and moved to completely different states, and only started talking later after a wedding that randomly brought them together.
But what gets me a lot is the fact that they didn't tell each other they loved each other until right before they were engaged... after knowing each other for YEARS. They knew one another- the good things and the flaws. And they were ready for the commitment by that time.
I want that. Well not now, but when the time for that does come, I want the relationship to be like my parents. And I want it at the right time. I didn't realize how much different it is now. It seems like so many of us are in such a hurry... to be in love; to feel something big and become so serious about one person so soon. We get into a relationship, sometimes when we know almost nothing about the other person, and then gradually learn more in a short period of time. Am I wrong in saying so many of us are like an open book waiting to be read? And when we do read someone's story, it's hard not to become attached, and then try to make our way into the story, and influence it. It's difficult not to become attached, and want to do everything in your power to do everything you can for that person.
Before long you're deciding that you're in love... and you become extremely attached. You go farther with them PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY to the point where you want a future with them, and you don't see yourself with anyone else... and then what? Life happens; things change; people graduate and go to college. And things have to end... and then you're stuck wondering if those wonderful times you spent together and the things you did together meant anything at all, because you know that it's not going to happen anymore, and in the end... you aren't doing much more than hurting. Really, really hurting.
I'm living through a very crucial stage of life right now. My future is being molded and built, and I'm in charge of the end result. I have never purposely thrown around the phrase "I love you", but I think I have been unwise when using it. Those words mean... SO much. And I have never uttered them without thinking about it first, and without truly meaning it. But it has been too soon, and at a time that I should have known it would hurt me and someone else in the end. Because it wasn't a time when we could act on those words.
I guess what I'm trying to say mostly is that I have decided to be smarter in my actions. Never again will I let myself fall for someone or say the words "I love you" to them without knowing I'm able to be fully committed to them and knowing them inside and out, and I will take my time getting there. I want it to mean as much as possible. There is so much power in those words, and without real meaning behind them, they are nothing more than words.
But there's something about this whole experience that has really taught me a lot- about myself as much as about relationships. Why is it that so many of us seem in such a hurry to fall in love? I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. I think back on my past relationships and how they have started and ended. It happens so fast. Everything.
I was talking to my mom about this last night. It started with the simple question. I asked her what made her realize she wanted to marry my dad, and how she knew she loved him.
Okay, so maybe those aren't such "simple" questions, but her answer was much more than I expected. It wasn't anything like "I got this feeling when I first met him..." or "he wasn't like any other man I'd ever met in my entire life!" In fact, my parents first met in high school, but they didn't even think of committing themselves to each other until they were in their twenties and done with and out of college. They wrote to each other and kept in touch most of the time, but they dated other people and focused on their own lives. They didn't plan to get into anything serious until they were truly ready for it. They even lost touch for a while, and moved to completely different states, and only started talking later after a wedding that randomly brought them together.
But what gets me a lot is the fact that they didn't tell each other they loved each other until right before they were engaged... after knowing each other for YEARS. They knew one another- the good things and the flaws. And they were ready for the commitment by that time.
I want that. Well not now, but when the time for that does come, I want the relationship to be like my parents. And I want it at the right time. I didn't realize how much different it is now. It seems like so many of us are in such a hurry... to be in love; to feel something big and become so serious about one person so soon. We get into a relationship, sometimes when we know almost nothing about the other person, and then gradually learn more in a short period of time. Am I wrong in saying so many of us are like an open book waiting to be read? And when we do read someone's story, it's hard not to become attached, and then try to make our way into the story, and influence it. It's difficult not to become attached, and want to do everything in your power to do everything you can for that person.
Before long you're deciding that you're in love... and you become extremely attached. You go farther with them PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY to the point where you want a future with them, and you don't see yourself with anyone else... and then what? Life happens; things change; people graduate and go to college. And things have to end... and then you're stuck wondering if those wonderful times you spent together and the things you did together meant anything at all, because you know that it's not going to happen anymore, and in the end... you aren't doing much more than hurting. Really, really hurting.
I'm living through a very crucial stage of life right now. My future is being molded and built, and I'm in charge of the end result. I have never purposely thrown around the phrase "I love you", but I think I have been unwise when using it. Those words mean... SO much. And I have never uttered them without thinking about it first, and without truly meaning it. But it has been too soon, and at a time that I should have known it would hurt me and someone else in the end. Because it wasn't a time when we could act on those words.
I guess what I'm trying to say mostly is that I have decided to be smarter in my actions. Never again will I let myself fall for someone or say the words "I love you" to them without knowing I'm able to be fully committed to them and knowing them inside and out, and I will take my time getting there. I want it to mean as much as possible. There is so much power in those words, and without real meaning behind them, they are nothing more than words.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Major blues
I can't get anything done today... and I have SO much I need to be doing. But I can't focus. I haven't really focused on anything since the start of last week. And this weekend didn't help either. Yesterday was completely... undescribable. I think I almost made myself sick again because of how much I was worrying.
I walked at the cross country meet... and I NEVER in my life have ever started walking during a meet. My time was probably awful, and for a while I was in dead last. I couldn't tell how she felt about it, but I feel like I let Coach Shmucker down.
And then I had to race back home for band contest... and was 30 minutes late getting to the band hall because I went to the practice field for a last attempt at getting the drill down. I swore I should have known it well enough. I studied that chart like my life depended on it... but it wasn't enough. Usually things end up being a lot less worse than I always picture them to be, but this time it was EXACTLY what I feared- I completely screwed up the whole show. And now a couple of people probably hate my guts for it, and that makes me feel so awful.
And then there is one thing that I can't ever, ever, ever get off of my mind. All day. I have to stay busy; I have to be out and doing something. I left home at 5:45 AM yesterday and stayed in Plainview until midnight that night. And it got better... being out, laughing and being stupid. But now I'm at home again... not being able to do anything but homework, which doesn't help me. Tears come so easy now... just from hearing a song, or a phrase, or a picture, or most of all, a memory. And the closure that I want so badly but am so afraid of at the same time...
I walked at the cross country meet... and I NEVER in my life have ever started walking during a meet. My time was probably awful, and for a while I was in dead last. I couldn't tell how she felt about it, but I feel like I let Coach Shmucker down.
And then I had to race back home for band contest... and was 30 minutes late getting to the band hall because I went to the practice field for a last attempt at getting the drill down. I swore I should have known it well enough. I studied that chart like my life depended on it... but it wasn't enough. Usually things end up being a lot less worse than I always picture them to be, but this time it was EXACTLY what I feared- I completely screwed up the whole show. And now a couple of people probably hate my guts for it, and that makes me feel so awful.
And then there is one thing that I can't ever, ever, ever get off of my mind. All day. I have to stay busy; I have to be out and doing something. I left home at 5:45 AM yesterday and stayed in Plainview until midnight that night. And it got better... being out, laughing and being stupid. But now I'm at home again... not being able to do anything but homework, which doesn't help me. Tears come so easy now... just from hearing a song, or a phrase, or a picture, or most of all, a memory. And the closure that I want so badly but am so afraid of at the same time...
Monday, October 8, 2007
Song... well, sort of.
Still working on some more to it. As usual, I wrote it as it came today, and... that was all that came, lol.
I see the fire in your eyes
The moment it leaves, I worry why
Questions make life so cold
I wonder if you even know
Take a trip inside my mind
Feel the darkened hole I hide
Know me, feel me
Please let me be...
your best, imperfect memory
I see the fire in your eyes
The moment it leaves, I worry why
Questions make life so cold
I wonder if you even know
Take a trip inside my mind
Feel the darkened hole I hide
Know me, feel me
Please let me be...
your best, imperfect memory
Mondays...
Ah, school. I love it; I hate it. Mostly I hate it... like today. The same ol' thing gets so old, and I think my senioritis is getting a little worse each time we roll into a new week.
And then at the same time, I'm scared, and hesitant. Once I receive that diploma... it's the end of this. Never again will I share a classroom with any of these people. I won't walk down the halls and see and joke with all of the friends I've developed over the past 12 years. I will miss it, as much as I complain about living here. I will miss my friends.
I know. The internet makes it a lot easier. Myspace. Facebook. Email. But how long will that last? It's just not the same as seeing them everyday. It's not the same as groaning together about the test no one studied for, or talking about the horde of mosquitoes that attacked everyone at the long, dragging, 2-hour band practice the night before.
So I want to cherish this year as much as I can tolerate it, because it will matter a few years from now. I'll be on my way in a different direction, and it will be a good thing. But I will still have the memories, and that's very important to me.
And then at the same time, I'm scared, and hesitant. Once I receive that diploma... it's the end of this. Never again will I share a classroom with any of these people. I won't walk down the halls and see and joke with all of the friends I've developed over the past 12 years. I will miss it, as much as I complain about living here. I will miss my friends.
I know. The internet makes it a lot easier. Myspace. Facebook. Email. But how long will that last? It's just not the same as seeing them everyday. It's not the same as groaning together about the test no one studied for, or talking about the horde of mosquitoes that attacked everyone at the long, dragging, 2-hour band practice the night before.
So I want to cherish this year as much as I can tolerate it, because it will matter a few years from now. I'll be on my way in a different direction, and it will be a good thing. But I will still have the memories, and that's very important to me.
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