New Light

I'm getting closer to having a solid plan for my future. Things are getting clearer, and I'm realizing things I never thought I would. I'm getting back up from last month's fall, and I'm smiling inside again. I know I will probably have more "moments of weakness"- many more- but I'm one step closer to being ready to face them all.

I want to go to school far enough away to challenge myself. I want to make it on my own for a while. I want to have fun; I want to work hard as well.

I'm almost ready.

And now that I've gotten that out of the way... I realized something over the holidays: I am too selfish. I spend too much of my time worrying about what I can do to help MYSELF, when the energy could be used for much better things. And I'm working on changing that.

Optimism... finally! :P

Ok, because Tim asked for it (haha)... here is a new post. But the problem is... where to start?

I can't exactly describe everything I've been feeling lately.... kinda like:

loved, happy, sad, excited, sucky, apprehensive, stressed, creative, grateful, cranky, bored, worried, defeated, jubilant, glad to be alive (lol)...

Just take these emotions, mix them up in any order, and pick at random times. Yep, that's about how it's been. But I'm tired of complaining about every time I feel sad. Live is good... sometimes. But the bigger picture is always beautiful, and sometimes I forget. So whatever I'm going through, it's always great to know that everything will eventually be okay. I have people who love me and who I will always be here for as well. Even if the next year brings us miles and miles apart, I can be strong.

"Singin' amen I... I'm alive."

:D

Update

So I have decided... I want to get back to playing on my bass again. And my acoustic. Being around other people who can play makes me excited and envious, and I want to be a part of it!

And the college application process has begun... AAAHHHH!! Not sure exactly what to think at this point... I read someone's profile on myspace (go figure :P) earlier that made me think. They said they try not to be sad... wait, let me look at it again...



Ah, ok, it was: "i feel blessed to be alive and so should you, you cant be sad forever, it really is a waste of your happieness [minus the 'e'].... love all and love often"

A great way to look at life if you ask me. That is all for now.

Sing like no one's listening

Tonight I went to one of our junior high games for the first time to watch my little sister as a Cheerleader. I was glad to finally get to see her cheering, and couldn't help but feel a hint of jealousy either. I still can't believe she's a cheerleader.

I left early because it was SO cold outside! And I went to my car to drive home... but I just didn't want to. So I drove around town. With Nickelback's "Far Away" blaring out of my speakers. Singing at the top of my lungs. And it was such surreal feeling. It was a strange kind of therapy that I needed. I drove through the parts of town that aren't in my everyday route (even though it's a small town!) and somehow it gave me a different perspective on things. In a time when I am so busy and always watching the time... I was, for once, completely oblivious of time or even where I was going. I just relaxed... and thought. I didn't feel exactly happy... but I wasn't completely sad either.

It was bittersweet- knowing that next year things will be so different. I won't be driving down these streets everyday, or seeing the people I just talked to at the game; knowing that I'll be on my own and free to do what I want without supervision; knowing that the person I most wanted to share these thoughts with is no longer available for that; and knowing that everything is still going to be okay. Because then a song came on that I listened to a lot during this same time last year when (coincidently) I was mending a broken heart then too. It was Straylight Run's "Existentialism on Prom Night", and some of the lyrics really hit me:

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us