Major blues

I can't get anything done today... and I have SO much I need to be doing. But I can't focus. I haven't really focused on anything since the start of last week. And this weekend didn't help either. Yesterday was completely... undescribable. I think I almost made myself sick again because of how much I was worrying.

I walked at the cross country meet... and I NEVER in my life have ever started walking during a meet. My time was probably awful, and for a while I was in dead last. I couldn't tell how she felt about it, but I feel like I let Coach Shmucker down.

And then I had to race back home for band contest... and was 30 minutes late getting to the band hall because I went to the practice field for a last attempt at getting the drill down. I swore I should have known it well enough. I studied that chart like my life depended on it... but it wasn't enough. Usually things end up being a lot less worse than I always picture them to be, but this time it was EXACTLY what I feared- I completely screwed up the whole show. And now a couple of people probably hate my guts for it, and that makes me feel so awful.

And then there is one thing that I can't ever, ever, ever get off of my mind. All day. I have to stay busy; I have to be out and doing something. I left home at 5:45 AM yesterday and stayed in Plainview until midnight that night. And it got better... being out, laughing and being stupid. But now I'm at home again... not being able to do anything but homework, which doesn't help me. Tears come so easy now... just from hearing a song, or a phrase, or a picture, or most of all, a memory. And the closure that I want so badly but am so afraid of at the same time...