Saving myself for this

I don't remember exactly how it goes or who sang it, but there's this song my dad used to play a lot from one of his old CDs, and the words from it have been playing in my head for the past few days: "breaking up is hard to do." It's true. You become so attached to a person, and think about them so often, that it's hard when they are suddenly no longer in that part of your life that you're so used to them being. It's tough, and it hurts. You think you're fine, and then you hear a song, or a name, or talk about something that happened where they were involved... and it comes back to you. You go to bed after an awesome day knowing that you will be fine, and then you wake up the next morning and the cycle starts over again. You realize they still aren't in your life anymore.

But there's something about this whole experience that has really taught me a lot- about myself as much as about relationships. Why is it that so many of us seem in such a hurry to fall in love? I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. I think back on my past relationships and how they have started and ended. It happens so fast. Everything.

I was talking to my mom about this last night. It started with the simple question. I asked her what made her realize she wanted to marry my dad, and how she knew she loved him.

Okay, so maybe those aren't such "simple" questions, but her answer was much more than I expected. It wasn't anything like "I got this feeling when I first met him..." or "he wasn't like any other man I'd ever met in my entire life!" In fact, my parents first met in high school, but they didn't even think of committing themselves to each other until they were in their twenties and done with and out of college. They wrote to each other and kept in touch most of the time, but they dated other people and focused on their own lives. They didn't plan to get into anything serious until they were truly ready for it. They even lost touch for a while, and moved to completely different states, and only started talking later after a wedding that randomly brought them together.

But what gets me a lot is the fact that they didn't tell each other they loved each other until right before they were engaged... after knowing each other for YEARS. They knew one another- the good things and the flaws. And they were ready for the commitment by that time.

I want that. Well not now, but when the time for that does come, I want the relationship to be like my parents. And I want it at the right time. I didn't realize how much different it is now. It seems like so many of us are in such a hurry... to be in love; to feel something big and become so serious about one person so soon. We get into a relationship, sometimes when we know almost nothing about the other person, and then gradually learn more in a short period of time. Am I wrong in saying so many of us are like an open book waiting to be read? And when we do read someone's story, it's hard not to become attached, and then try to make our way into the story, and influence it. It's difficult not to become attached, and want to do everything in your power to do everything you can for that person.

Before long you're deciding that you're in love... and you become extremely attached. You go farther with them PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY to the point where you want a future with them, and you don't see yourself with anyone else... and then what? Life happens; things change; people graduate and go to college. And things have to end... and then you're stuck wondering if those wonderful times you spent together and the things you did together meant anything at all, because you know that it's not going to happen anymore, and in the end... you aren't doing much more than hurting. Really, really hurting.

I'm living through a very crucial stage of life right now. My future is being molded and built, and I'm in charge of the end result. I have never purposely thrown around the phrase "I love you", but I think I have been unwise when using it. Those words mean... SO much. And I have never uttered them without thinking about it first, and without truly meaning it. But it has been too soon, and at a time that I should have known it would hurt me and someone else in the end. Because it wasn't a time when we could act on those words.

I guess what I'm trying to say mostly is that I have decided to be smarter in my actions. Never again will I let myself fall for someone or say the words "I love you" to them without knowing I'm able to be fully committed to them and knowing them inside and out, and I will take my time getting there. I want it to mean as much as possible. There is so much power in those words, and without real meaning behind them, they are nothing more than words.