Mirror

At times I walk the lonely road
of choice or not, I cannot know
trying to change my course for good
what's stopping me I cannot see

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

Give me a reason, show me a key
even your image has somehow escaped me
It's shouldn't be so hard to fight for myself
and it doesn't seem right to cry out for some help

This part-time depiction is slightly a lie
a reflection of fear and a half-lost high
It's time for a change, the picture unclear
But the answer is really the worst thing to fear

It's a twofold mirror
and I can't make it crack
stay and fight or run and hide
the vision just keeps coming back

but now, again, I begin to face
the barrier preventing a change of pace
as the figure comes clear and I see
I find the image I'm looking at... is me.

Concerts, food, and my future.

(I actually wrote this on Tuesday, August 12th... so ignore the date above, lol)

So X-Fest this weekend. Freakin' amazing. I really needed a few hours to let off some steam... and didn't even realize it until I was there. There wasn't a care in the world about what anyone else there was thinking of me, just the knowledge that every one of us was there for one reason: love of the music. It was great.

And now I'm on the beginning of a completely new path. I leave for college in 3 days. 3 days! There's no turning back and no extra time. And I'm freaking out a little bit, but another part of me is really really excited. I think this is where I'm meant to go, at least for now. And I think nutrition is what I'm meant to do... at least for now. Haha.

Now beware; I'm about to start a mini-rant. I know a lot of people now struggle with weight and eating problems... and I feel like I want to do something about that. May not show, but I've had a lot of battles with myself as far as taking the best care of myself goes. Since I want to specialize in nutrition, I need to be an expert on the subject... which means being able to help myself to my upmost ability as well as others. This is not as easy as it always sounds to myself, but I feel like I'm learning to get there. And I feel like college will be my chance to- for once- REALLY give myself a healthy challenge, and accomplishment. I think I'm meant to be ready for that now.

Oh, and I'm about to get a new phone plan... which means new number. People who couldn't text me before will now be able to! So if I didn't have your number before, you better give it to me! ;) I will need to hear from my friends when I'm gone.

Hello future!

Yesterday I mixed up my look a little, once again, but going from a caramel blonde to a DARK brown. I died my hair the exact same color and at the exact time that I did last summer... but although it's the same look, this is an entirely new beginning.

Tomorrow morning I will be headed to Fort Worth for TCU orientation. Realization will probably soon be hitting me... maybe. Maybe it's already here; I don't know for sure. But it's almost here. I'm almost in college. I'm done with high school. The next time I walk into a classroom, it will be filled with entirely new people and entirely new teacher. Compare that with being used to knowing each and every face I go to school with and living in a town that I've occupied my whole life. A SMALL town. Fort Worth is huge.

Wow.

And although something like this would have terrified me a few years ago... I couldn't be more excited right now. Am I prepared? I don't know. But I think I'm ready, and that's as ready as I'll ever be.

And I have a job now, and although that wouldn't seem like a big deal for some people at my age, I myself have never felt so responsible and productive before. It's tiring... but therefore simply invigorating. I'm so excited about how things are going as times turns ever on in my life.

L.O.V.E.

I spent this weekend with a group of best friends, shopping, seeing a movie, eating out, and having a sleepover.

There are few things in life better than this. God has blessed me tremendously in my lifetime, but this year has definitely felt like the peak of his generosity.

Basically, I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

And I'm not talking about people who I can tolerate for a couple hours and have a few good laughs with. These girls are like sisters to me, who I can act like a complete idiot around and them not care because they are acting just as crazy. I can be a health freak and order a vegetarian sandwich at the mall while everyone else orders Chik-Fil-A or ramble on about the lyrics of my favorite song... and I love the different qualities and interests and personalities of each and every one of them. We feed off of each other, encourage each other, and love each other. We are all beautiful in our own ways, and I freakin' love it. They have literally taught me how to be myself this year and that being different is not something to hide behind. I have grown as a person and as a young woman because of my best friends. They have seen the real me and they accept it; I don't even think I can express how much that means to me.

Life is so beautiful.

Loneliness

This will probably be short because I'm ready to curl up in bed with my new Self magazine and Breaking Benjamin serenading me in the background (call me a dork if you want). But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I started reading this book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (from the talk show) titled "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives."

Very interesting. And very true. I found a quote within the first few pages that I will not forget:

"It ever has been since time began,
And ever will be, till time lose breath,
That love is a mood--no more--to man,
And love to a woman is life or death."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

More on this later..

Puzzle Pieces

You always seemed too good for reality
and now that's been confirmed
Like missing puzzle pieces
we tried to fill the blanks all wrong.

A piece for young stupidity
another for lack of time
and a dash of a hundred hidden colors
that were somehow left behind

Now we've formed a monster
to rear its ugly head
and I am tired of fighting, for now
my perfect picture's dead.

But I know that I am much to blame
I saw only what I sought
parts of you were good, I loved
but now, others are really... not.

And some were never even there,
just an image from my mind
to seal the blank you couldn't fill
in a puzzle that made me blind.

So give me back my pieces
especially my heart
for a time when someone taking them
can finish what they start

You always seemed too good for reality
the truth of this goes far
Missing puzzle pieces...
dear, that's all you really are.

Another midnight

I think thunderstorms are one of the best things God could create. There's something about nights like these that make me want to smile and cry at the exact same time; it's a kind of feeling I haven't yet found the correct words to explain. The momentary flash of light followed by a low- sometimes very loud- rumble does something to me. I feel partly uneasy knowing the dangers of the storm outside, while at the same time the protection of these big, sturdy walls reassures me... but also at the same time I want nothing more than to run madly into the downpour and face the rain and the lightening and the thunder. It's the kind of sensation that I find to often correlate with very recent feelings.

Summer is almost here. Again. Already.

...what the heck!?

Didn't I just get done with last summer? Didn't I just start my senior year of high school? I blink and I'm already at the end... almost. Hurry up or wait? How to take all of this in? It's crazy, exciting, happy.... scary... sad. There are some things I miss very much from my past, some feelings that will never be back in the same way. But I'm also so happy about the promise of the future and everything it will contain.